The big bad wolfwood
by Kermtix
Summary: Ever wondered what a trigun play would be like?Well Here it is.Disclamer:I dont own trigun but soon i will


The Three Little Pigs and  
the Big Bad Wolfwood  
  
As the final and ONLY season of Trigun ended, Vash & company find themselves out of work and low on cash. With one last desperate attempt to  
salvage their acting careers and only one hope (or better said only one person left who would hire them) the Trigun cast are forced to take in side  
jobs working for the Lady Demonica Play Productions.  
Director Momo: Okay people quiet on the set!  
  
Meryl: Has it really come to this? I spend years following this idiot around in the desert just so I can be laid off when the job is done. Backstabbing Bernardelli Insurance........... Censored grumbling  
  
Milly: Well I guess they weren't too happy that even though we followed Mr. Vash around we never actually managed to prevent him from causing any destruction.  
  
Meryl: hits Vash in the head Your the one to blame!!  
  
Vash: Hey I didn't ask you to follow me around, it's not my fault you got fired!!  
  
Meryl: Can't your ever take responsibility you irresponsible JERK!!!  
  
Vash: But-but I was the victim here!!  
  
D. Momo: Waah, Waah, I can hear the violins playing you sob song. Now will you two stop bickering like an old married couple! We do have work to do!! Vash and Meryl's faces turn as red as Vash's coat  
  
Meryl: Get real! As if I would ever marry this childish, irresponsible, ovesexed, good for nothing MORON!!!!  
  
Vash: Well your no pot of roses either you bitchy, uptight, midget!  
  
Meryl: That's it throws open cape and reaches for her derringers  
  
D. Momo: Those two are hopeless  
  
Milly: They are such good friends  
  
Wolfwood: Um.........right, So director girl what kind of play do you have in mind for us?  
  
Milly: I hope we do Marry had a little lamb  
  
Wolfwood: Um Milly that's a nursery rhyme  
  
Milly: So, what's your point?  
  
Wolfwod: Were doing a play big girl.  
  
Milly: and?  
  
Vash: OWIE!!!!! You just shot me in my freakin arm!!!!  
  
Meryl: So it's not real anyways!!!!!!  
  
Vash: I could say the same about your- more gunfire is heard  
  
Vash: Hey that's a low blow you can't aim your gun there! I need THAT!!!!  
  
D. Momo: eye twitches That's it!! If you two don't shape up you all well be performing the "Sound of Music"!!  
  
Vash/Wofwood: Anything but that!! That Swedish chick is scary!!  
  
Meryl: OK, ok, We'll be good  
  
D. Momo: smiles big goofy grin OK everyone happy faces now and let's get to work!!!  
  
Vash: The director is...........  
  
Wolfood: a little more than super psycho?  
  
Milly: I feel scared all of the sudden  
  
Meryl: Let's just get this over with!  
  
D. Momo: Ok folks the play we will be performing is "The three little pigs"  
  
Meryl: What!?! I thought this was a serious play production company!?! We should be performing some sort of literary masterpiece such as Romeo and Juliet or Hamlet, not some children's fairytale! Who are we performing for a bunch of third graders??  
  
D. Momo: Well......yeah, basically, if you haven't noticed you're all a bunch of cartoon characters  
  
Everyone: Sweat drop  
  
Meryl: So it's come to this.......  
  
Milly: Oh boy this is gonna be fun  
  
Vash: Well its not the Sound of Music  
  
Wolfwood: As long as I get paid, I'm runnin low on cigarettes  
  
Meryl: grunts something intangible  
  
D.Momo: Love your enthusiasm now here's your scripts hands everyone their scripts  
  
Milly: Hooray I get to be a pig  
  
Meryl: I guess being a narrator isn't that bad  
  
Vash: What! I don't want to be a pig!  
  
Meryl: Why not, you eat like one?  
  
Vash: This is bad for my image  
  
Wolfwood: Awww the poor whittle Vash doesn't want to be a whittle piggy  
  
Vash: Shuddup!  
  
Wolfwood: I can see the headlines now "wanted dead of alive the evil crimanal typhoon Hash the Stam-pig Starts laughing and slapping Vash on the back  
  
Milly: Yummy that sounds like a special at IHOP  
  
Wolfwoood: Very funny, you go Big gir l Vash: I wouldn't laugh Wolfwood, you still haven't seen your part yet. Your probably the third pig.  
  
Wolfwood: Looks at his script !?! What's the big idea!?!?  
  
Milly: Peeks at Wolwood's script Wowie now you really are Mr. WOLFwood  
  
Wolfwood: I don't want to be the villain! This is the kind of part you have Knives and Legato for! Wolfwood points at Knives who is trying to sneak out the door  
  
D.Momo: Well I did consider making Legato be the wolf, but a little voice in my head told me not to and also told me to give Legato his pay early and let him have the day off. That's funny, why would I think to do something like that........ Looks confused  
  
Wolfwood: Well what about Knives?  
  
D.Momo: Knives is the third pig. Now just get over it. Besides WOLFwood I think the part fits you  
  
Meryl: Well Wolfwood is a shady character  
  
Milly: and his name is WOLFwood  
  
Vash: and you sure look grungy enough to be a wolf  
  
Wolfwood: Who you calling grungy? At least I don't wear pink shirts or tacky belts with pants that are too tight for me like some tasteless pointy hair wimps I know.  
  
Vash: Hey I didn't pick those clothes out!  
  
Wolfwood: my point exactly  
  
D.Momo: Hums the theme to "The Sound of Music"  
  
Vash: Looks nervous  
  
Wolfwood: Fine I'll be the stupid wolf now let's get this over with  
  
D.Momo: Smiles big goofy grin again Ok folks happy faces now and let's make movie magic!!!  
  
Meryl: Once upon a time their were three little pigs  
  
Milly: Hi I'm a Piggy  
  
Vash: very sarcastic Oink, Oink  
  
Knives: Ha! I'm still not a stupid human, being a pig is better than that  
  
D.Momo: Stick to the script!  
  
Knives: You dare bark orders at me human!? I will crush you  
  
D.Momo: and I will dock your pay  
  
Knives: Ok I'll be good  
  
Meryl: Anyways the three little pigs decided one day to part their separate  
  
ways and build their own homes  
  
Milly: Farewell dear brother pigs  
  
Knives: mumbles under breath about many ways to kill the director  
  
Vash: sarcastic tone Oink, oink  
  
Meryl: Well it doesn't seem fair that Vash gets to talk in his native tongue  
  
Vash: Are you callin me a pig! smiles coyly Well Meryl I only wanted you to be able to understand me  
  
Meryl: What's that  
  
D.Momo: looks angry OK people!  
  
Meryl: Now the first little pig made her house out of hay  
  
Milly: Hooray, look at my beautiful house of hay, now I will sew a welcome home mat for my new house........now where did I put that needle.......  
  
Meryl: Sweat drop The second pig built his house of sticks  
  
Vash: ZZZZZZ  
  
Meryl: I SAID the second pig built his house of sticks!!!  
  
Vash: wakes up What do I need to build a home for? A house would only be a burden to a careless drifter like myself.  
  
Merly: Well it wouldn't hurt if you settled down and built yourself a home like most normal people do! Then maybe you'd learn to take responsibility for things such as getting me and Milly fired........  
  
Vash: Oh come off it!! You still haven't dropped that?  
  
D.Momo: ER-hum!!  
  
Meryl: And the last little pig, who was much more smarter than his other two siblings built his house of bricks.  
  
Knives: You speak the truth human. I am far superior to you imperfect waste of space humans and my idiot brother!!  
  
Meryl: Sweat drop Ok whatever.........So one day after the three little pigs had gotten settled in their new homes a shady character decided to visit them Enters Wolfwood in a wolf costume  
  
Wolfwood: Why do I have to wear this? You didn't make anyone else dress up!  
  
D. Momo: Because you look Soo cute  
  
Vash/Meryl: muffled snickering he looks ridiculous  
  
Milly: You look so adorable Mr. Wolfwood  
  
D.Momo: Except maybe you should lose the cigarette Wolfy baby, it wouldn't look very good to the kids  
  
Wolfwood: Who died and made you the surgeon general?  
  
D.Momo: I did, and how did you know the surgeon general died?  
  
Wolfwood: I don't think I like you very much  
  
D.Momo: Good, now I know I've done my job now get back to work!  
  
Meryl: The first pig the wolf decided to visit was the pig who built her house of hay  
  
Wolfwood: Sarcastic tone Open the door and let me in!!  
  
Milly: Oh my Mr. Wolfwood wolf did you come to visit me Milly opens door  
  
D.Momo: Milly what are you doing!?!  
  
Milly: Well I was going to invite Mr. Wolfwood in for some coffee and sandwiches  
  
D.Momo: rubs back of neck NO! NO! We all know what REALLY happens at you and Wolfwood's coffee parties and well I would like to keep this play PG 13! Besides Wolfwood is the bad guy your not suppose to invite him in your house. Did you even read the script  
  
Milly: Umm do I have to answer that  
  
D.Momo: Errrr how ever did you become an actor!?!  
  
Milly: reads script Oh my I thought this was PG 13 suddenly slams the door on Wolfwood's foot. Take that evil Wolfwood priest sir  
  
Wolfwood: D#%&! What's the big idea!?! That hurt! Wolfwood goes on a cussing spree  
  
D.Momo: Well there goes my hopes of keeping this play PG 13  
  
Vash: You never had a chance considering you hired Wolfwood D.Momo glares at Vash  
  
Vash: WHOA SCAR-IE your more bitchy than Meryl Meryl and D.Momo punch Vash  
  
D.Momo/Meryl: I heard that  
  
Meryl: Realizing she was endanger the first pig locked the door  
  
Wolfwood: If you don't let me in I'll huff and puff and blow your house down Wolfwood takes a deep breath just before he starts coughing and falls to the ground  
  
Wolfwood: How about cough-cough we cue in some gasp special effects?  
  
D.Momo: How about you quit smoking first?  
  
Wolfwood: panting for breath Not funny, damn I need a cigarette. Wolfwood lights up a cigarette and blows a huge puff of smoke which happens to float toward the hay house and knocks it over  
  
Everyone: Nani!?! multiple sweat drops  
  
D.Momo: Hey whatever works  
  
Meryl: Gasp "hold hand over mouth and look scared"-NOW-look-WHAT-you-DID the third pig runs away and the wolf chases her  
  
Wolfwood: Sweat drop You won't escape  
  
Milly: Milly "the first pig" runs and hides at Vash "the second pig's" house, Milly slams door on Wolfwood's foot. Cue lights on Milly and Wolfwood. NOW-you........WON'T get ME!  
  
D.Momo: Why are you talking so funny and your not suppose to read that part of the script your suppose to act it out!!  
  
Meryl: Oh sorry I was just reading the script like you told me  
  
D.Momo: Mumbles something about going on vacation or hiring real actors if she had more money  
  
Meryl: So the wolf followed the first pig to the second pig's house  
  
Wolfwood: Open the door and let me in  
  
Vash: Oh now that's an original line!! What kind of chump do you take me for anyways, I ain't falling for that line again you stupid stalker, always following me around everywhere. As if it's a coincidence that you just so happen to be everywhere I am, get real. I'm starting think your out to get me Wolfwood.  
  
Wolfwood: Shuddup Vash before I blow your stupid ol' shabby house down  
  
Vash: SHABBY!?! at least my house is a lot sturdier than your stupid broke down motorcycle  
  
Wofwood: Are you dissin my shiny Angelida the second?!?  
  
Vash: Of course I am since the stupid thing is always breaking down which makes me wonder what ever happened to Angelida the first!!  
  
Wolfwood: That's it!! Takes a puff of his cigarette and blows Vash's house down  
  
Vash: What the hell kind of churchmen are you!?! You just destroyed my house you stupid homewrecker!!!  
  
Wolwood: Yeah and now I'm gonna finish what we started back in May city by gettin rid of you once and for all  
  
Vash: takes a nervous gulp Later! Takes off with Milly running towards Knives' house  
  
Vash: Brother let us in!!  
  
Knives: Hell no! Go away!!  
  
Wolfwood: VASH!! Now I got you  
  
Vash: looks nervous Knives quit messin around and let us in  
  
Knives: Chapel! shouts at Wolfwood make Vash suffer for all eternity!! Eat the human first!! Laughs evilly  
  
D.Momo: Open the freakin door! You idiots are completely ruining this play!!  
  
Knives: Fine Ill let you in Vash, but this isn't over  
  
Wolfwood: Open the door and let me in!!  
  
Knives: How dare you fail me Chapel! There is no way I'm letting you in you insolent fool.  
  
Wolfwood: Then Ill huff and puff and blow you house down Takes a puff of cigarette and attempts to blow down the house  
  
Wolfwood: Nani!?! It's not working  
  
Knives: That's because I built this house, your crummy ol cigarette can't blow it down  
  
Vash: Nanny-nanny boo-boo you can't get us  
  
Knives: Real mature Vash  
  
Wolfwood: Well if I can't outwit you then I'll just have to out fox you climbs up on the roof  
  
Vash: Geez it sure did get quiet, did he really quit that quick?? Everyone suddenly hears a noise on the roof  
  
Knives: He must be trying to get in through the chimney  
  
Milly: What should we do?  
  
Knives: Has evil vindictive grin on face Let's torch him  
  
Milly: Oh my but wont that kill him?  
  
Knives: If we're lucky laughs maniacally  
  
Vash: Now wait a minute! We can't do that  
  
Knives: And why not  
  
Vash: Because.........No one has the right to take the life of another person  
  
Knives: Oh Shuddup with all that Love & Peace bull crap. I'll do what I please, besides it's in the script Knives attempts to light a fire  
  
Vash: I won't let you do that! It's wrong lunges at Knives  
  
D.Momo: What the HEL- gun shot fire is heard  
  
Knives: !?! Did you shoot me? Knives sits on the floor holding his bleeding leg while Vash stares at him in shock  
  
Knives: Did you actually shoot me?!?  
  
Milly: Well it's pretty obvious he did mumbles under breath and they call me the stupid one  
  
Knives: I can't believe you actually shot me....AGAIN!! That's it this time I came prepared pulls out gun and points it at Vash  
  
Vash:!?! Wolfwood comes down chimney  
  
Wolfwood: HA! now I got you all! HUH!?! gunfire is heard  
  
Wolfwood: You shot me you stupid asshole!!  
  
Meryl: You three stop it this instance or you'll all get us fired  
  
Milly: Oh my gunfire is heard along with a loud crashing sound  
  
Knives: Your dead meat Vash  
  
Vash: Can't we all just get along?  
  
Everyone else: No!!! Machine gun fire is heard along with more arguing and crashing noises  
  
Wolfwood: Eat this!! Screaming can be heard as flames are lit up in the background  
  
Meryl: Take that low life's!!!  
  
Wolfwood: Put that down.........wait ARGHHH!!!!  
  
Vash: !?!? While everyone is arguing D.Momo stands watching in disbelief as the entire set suddenly topples over  
  
Meryl: Look what you did Vash!  
  
Wolfwood: Everywhere we go with you something like this always happen  
  
Vash: Oh so this is my fault??  
  
Everyone else: YES!!  
  
Knives: You will all die now you pathetic humans  
  
Everyone else: SHUDDUP you demented psychotic genocidal maniac  
  
Wolfwood: Maybe if you got laid you wouldn't be so damn frigged!  
  
Knives: hey sniff that's not true at all........well ok..........maybe a little........Whatever I'll kill you all anyways!!!  
  
Meryl: Umm where did the director go?? Everyone looks around confused as suddenly a large rumbling sound is heard  
  
D.Momo: pulls up in a tank Muhwahahaha!!! Now you will all die!!!! points gun at Vash  
  
Vash: What the hell are you pointing that thing at me for!?! Am I being punished!!!  
  
D.Momo: Hey I figure why not collect your bounty, then I can hire some real actors and I'm pretty sure I can fetch a good price for turning in Knives and Wolfwood too  
  
Vash: Can't we talk about this  
  
D.Momo: Muhwahahaha!!!!  
  
Vash: I didn't think so  
  
Wolfwood: Holy Crap!!  
  
Meryl: Now is not the time to talk about your testimony Wolfwood  
  
Wolfwood: Shuddup  
  
Vash: Hey if we can take on Gun ho Guns I'm pretty sure this will be a cinch to handle. All we have to do is work as a team  
  
Everyone else: Sure let's do it  
  
Vash: Ready everyone.........LOVE & PEACE!!!!!!!!!! suddenly stops and looks around only to notice everyone is running out the door  
  
Vash: Looks nervous Later!! runs away screaming like a girl  
  
D.Momo: MUhwahahaHAHAH!!!!! In the distance stands a tall figure watching as the director chases down the Trigun cast  
  
Legato: Smiles evilly What a nice show you put on for me my little puppets heh heh heh..............  
  
Keronekosama: NYA!! translation: THE END!!!!!  
  
Ok, Ok I know that was a stupid and goofy story, but at least I had fun writing it and seeing as how I'm such a goofy person I couldn't resist writing a goofy fic. There's really not that many of them (Trigun fans shouldn't be so serious).......... I had previously wrote a story like this once before about the Slayers cast performing Jack and the Beanstalk and I used most of my good ideas on that play. However I still think this was a good play too......RIGHT?!?! Oh well hoped you liked it and I suppose one day I'll let you guys read my first play (which is a lot funnier) as soon as I get off my lazy butt and type it. It's one of the few fics I wrote on paper. Well that's all for now folks!! 


End file.
